How to Build the Kind of Confidence that Won’t Let the Haters Get You Down

The first few times my three-year old rode his new balance bike, he straddled it standing and did a slow, old man shuffle to inch it forward. Now, as he’s practiced and his confidence has grown, he’s started to sit down and balance, even sometimes lifting up his legs to coast the downhill stretches of our street.  I tell him, “Good job, you’re such a big boy!” and the grin on his face can hardly contain his joy.

I love the positive messages in our culture and media that encourage us to believe in ourselves. To stand up after a fall, to keep going. To have courage and confidence.

Bold confidence minus a side dish of narcissism sounds like the key to unlock doors. To nail an interview, a speech, start a new business venture, try a new gym with a friend, strike up conversations with strangers, learn new things, make new friends. I want that, don’t you?

Conversely, we could ask where self-doubt and insecurity comes from.  Research shows both nature and nurture are factors when it comes to confidence levels.

I come from a long line of “worriers.”  My granddad would often work himself up into a stew over politics, or family member decision; my dad, seeing my granddad’s example, worked hard to battle his own anxieties.  A visit with my dad’s cousins revealed they had found records of great grandparents having stints at a local mental health hospital. Thankfully I haven’t crossed that threshold yet, but my nature predisposes me to worry and lower self-confidence. On the nurture side, I was very blessed to have parents who always encouraged me and pushed me to do more than what I thought I was capable of.

Some people seem naturally gifted with an easy self-confidence. They don’t worry about a questionable comment someone made, dissect things they said at work in the middle of the night (can I get a witness?), or doubt themselves when undertaking a new skill.  Where do they get that?

Chip Gaines of “Fixer Upper” fame is a perfect example of a guy that seems to be naturally confident.  He said once, “At any given moment, there’s a little voice in my head…that’s constantly telling me, “Way to go, Chip, that was so funny!”  In Chip and Joanna’s book, The Magnolia Story, Chip credits his family for his success, saying they always encouraged him and made him feel like he could do anything.  Barack Obama is another example. He has an easy confidence that helped propel him to the U.S. presidency.

Tons of factors go into confidence at any given moment– nature, nurture, circumstances, skill level, physical and mental well-being, doing something the first time versus the hundredth time.

Confidence is a desirable commodity and a key to success. Chip Gaines said, “If I could bottle and sell it, I would! I’m convinced it would make me millions.”  I’m not ashamed to say, if he were selling it, I’d be standing in line (or more accurately, putting in an online order). 

Confidence can make the difference between chasing a dream and never getting started.  Between nailing a job interview or speech, or floundering through notes. Between closing a sale or losing it because you don’t want to appear too pushy.  Between encouraging your kids to do better and giving in to their wants and demands.  Between starting a new hobby or sitting on the couch and watching the next Netflix show.

We all want it, and since Chip Gaines isn’t selling it, how do we get it?  Is confidence a feeling we bolster, like Maria Von Trapp about to walk into the mansion, singing “I have confidence in confidence alone! Besides, which you see, I have confidence in meeeeee!!”

As I’ve experienced my own varying confidence levels, I’ve learned that confidence is not a feeling, it’s a mindset.

And like most things in life, the “secret formula” to creating a confident mindset is old-fashioned hard work and practice.

Here are some things that build my confidence muscle:

• Trying new things
• Living and walking my own convictions and values
• Prayer
• Listening to great music (especially about how amazing God is and how much He loves me).
• Managing my anxiety levels (that’s a whole ‘nother post!)
• Working out and pushing myself at the gym
• Good sleep (Yes Maria, strength truly “lies in nights of peaceful slumber!”)
• Getting involved in team projects in the community and in my work.
• Finishing projects

Things that tear down my confidence:

• Not taking care of my physical health
• Worrying about what others think (expert here!)
• Letting clutter, mess and dirty dishes pile up in my house.
• Not spending time with friends and colleagues.
• Too much time at home by myself (#SAHMWAHMproblems)
• Starting too many projects and finishing nothing

What builds or tears down your confidence?  As you look at the list above, make a list for yourself too. Mine won’t necessarily look like yours. But we all know what makes us feel like we’ve been sucker gut punched, versus what makes us feel like we can conquer the world.

Building confidence is hard work, but the good news is that confidence builds on itself. The stronger your confidence muscle is, the better you’ll perform and the more confidence will grow.

I learned this with absolute clarity on top of a mountain ski run with a snowboard strapped to both feet.  If I started down a hill on my board full of fear and thinking I was going to fall, it was a disaster. If I started down the hill with a strong, focused mindset, thinking, “I can do this!” I made it down the hill with few or no falls.  The more times I went down that hill, the higher my confidence as a snowboarder soared, and even better – the more fun I had! Just like my son coasting down those hills.